Cold Survival Kit

I started feeling crappyesque last night, and it’s morphed to full on sucktastic today. And I thought drinking red wine was supposed to be healthy?!

(Okay, maybe not 5 bottles of it. But it was over a long holiday weekend!)

So here’s my cold survival kit:

1. Self-pity

2. Slouchy flannel PJ pants. Not the cute ones, the ones that are 8 years old with unraveling elastic, and a rip in the knee. Cute PJs do not make you feel better when you’re sick; save that shit for when your health is on the upswing.

3.  Ratty tank top.

4. Okay, this is vital: a sweater or hoodie WITH POCKETS. One, it will keep you warm when you are having bone-shaking chills, but you can take it off when you are heating up. Two, you will need those pockets. You will stuff random shit in them, to be enumerated below.

5. Kleenex. Dur.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Mentholatum. It’s old-school, but it works. I rub it all over my nose, so the constant blowing and wiping will (hopefully) not render me an automatic Molting-Nose Lizard Woman when the cold has run its course.  And it’s also SEXY AS HELL!! Or so my boyfriend tells me. Maybe he’s lying — my judgement’s all fucked up.

 

 

 

 

6. Unlimited access to hot tea. I break my no-caffeine after noon rule for colds. I like either Earl Grey or Orange and Spice.  Stash is my go-to brand, but if I’m really lucky, then I have some Harney & Sons Tower of London tea. This tea is wonderful, but pricey.

 

 

 

And it comes in the cutest little silk sachets!

 

 

 

 

7. Captains Secret Cure:

Heat 2 Cups chicken broth (homemade stock is best, but whatever you have is fine: YOU HAVE A FUCKING COLD AND FEEL LIKE SHIT) with 1 cup(not a typo; get that shit good and citrused up!)  lemon juice, 2 tbsps. minced garlic, and 3 shakes red pepper flakes. Get it steaming hot and drink. Repeat as many times during the duration of the cold as you can stand.

Don’t forget to brush your teeth.

8. Lip balm. I currently fond of Tarte’s slide-tin balms. They fit in the pockets, along with wadded up kleenex and the iTouch.

 

 

 

 

 

9. iTouch.   Tv shows, movies, books and the Internet, all from a comfortably supine position on the couch, or (my personal favorite) the bed.

 

 

 

 

With these items, you should be well stocked for WoodSnot 2009.  I try to do as little as possible and sleep a lot. If this is not possible, combine Day-Quil with all of the other remedies (wear comfortable pants and a decent short-sleeved shirt to work; the sweater with pockets is okay, as long as you’ve washed it.)

Whether you’re staying at home or need to go into the world, take a shower every day or so. A really hot one, and use one of these babies. 

Shower Soothers: It’s moron-friendly — just rip the packaging off and drop into the bottom of the tub. Eucalyptusy! It will help you breathe better, I swear.

 

I will be headed to bed soon, in my mint-green grandpa sweater and red, pink and white plaid flannel PJ bottoms, clutching my mug of tea and my box of Kleenex. But I have to wait for my iTouch to charge.